I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.