“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
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ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min