God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]