Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.