“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You Might Also Like
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE