Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
🤣🤣🤣
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955