Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
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Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
welp
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My birthstone is kidney
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*