Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
These work great until they don’t.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.