me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
You Might Also Like
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
fixed it
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Cats (2019)
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.