me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
how to market bottled water to dads
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.