My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
You Might Also Like
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Sheep
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I put the h in mysterious.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please