I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2