Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
*pronounces fake like saké*
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.