My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often