me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels