If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My favorite female superhero
FINE, I WON’T.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles