Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
You Might Also Like
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again