I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
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‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.