You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Did…did a minotaur write this
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War