[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?