If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.