Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS