Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Favourite diary entry ever
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.