Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
You Might Also Like
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Simple enough.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.