I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
don’t we all
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.