having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
You Might Also Like
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.