Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Happy thanksgiving!
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.