Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
You Might Also Like
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.