I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
broke down and did it
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.