new wife guy just dropped
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[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.