When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
And that about sums it up.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.