Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
You Might Also Like
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist