Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
You Might Also Like
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.