A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.