11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
You Might Also Like
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…