The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
inventing words: clothing
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Gemma Correll
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
This is sending me to another galaxy