DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.