I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
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It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.