The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
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they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
These work great until they don’t.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!