Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”