Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.