“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
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Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
the rocks need my help
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.