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[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.