For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who