cat vs inanimate object
You Might Also Like
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
A completely valid reaction tbh