My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
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Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty