6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?