The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
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This could be us… but you playing
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
they split up moments later
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
how long have you had this for?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?