An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
fourth time’s the charm
This was the best day of my life
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.