best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.